Rebirth; Out of the Darkness

This is the first time I am opening up about a time period where I thought I would stop doing photography.

May 2012, I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Photography from LIU Post. I felt like I was on top of the world. The reality didn't sink in until a couple months later. With no internship or job lined up, I had to really start applying to places. I didn't have a website showcasing my material and the photography ideas I had at the time for photo shoots weren't working out. People were backing out on me the last minute. I felt lost and confused. It was a huge struggle for me through the rest of the year. Once the summer ended and fall arrived, I fell deeper into a dark place that I felt I couldn't get out of.  I was questioning whether photography was my true calling or if getting a Master’s Degree in anything other than photography was the next move. I was all in my head, stressing about everything. Everyday I would think about the same things over and over again. I had applied to over one hundred job postings, even some that could take me out of state.  The frustration of being unemployed was placing a heavy toll on me and I barely slept at night. My demons were trying to get the best of me as I wondered if my phone would ever ring for an interview or whether I should choose a different career path.

When 2013 began, I was still looking for work and trying to find inspiration and motivation to use my camera. I ended up with nothing for a period of time. I put my Canon in its bag and left it in my closet to collect dust. I didn't even want to look at it or carry it with me. I fell into a minor depression and several months had passed before I picked up my camera again. Around late July after searching for work for over a year, I received an internship in Manhattan and that’s when things started to happen. Working for Rock Paper Photo gave me the opportunity to meet legendary photographers who photographed some of the greatest musical icons of our time. I learned about how they progressed in their careers, and was grateful for the experience I received in editing never before seen images of such icons as The Beatles.

Around this time, The Lone Ranger was out in the theaters and I loved the makeup of Johnny Depp's portrayal of Tonto. I wrote down the photo concept for it and looked up images to get a sense of what to do. An artist named Kirby Sattler did a painting that was similar to the character Tonto. His painting was titled "I Am Crow" it was a beautiful showing of a Native American that had white face paint with black vertical lines. On September 24, I decided to do the photo shoot of myself as Tonto. When I purchased the wig/headpiece days before I prayed to God that this would work to light a fire within me to pick up my camera again. As I put the face paint and the accessories on, I looked in the mirror and saw myself as the strong artist that I am. I wore the cross pendent my mother gave me and my old totem pole necklace. I shut the lights off and had the available sunlight beaming from the window in my basement. To get the mood right, I chose beautiful music that had soft drums, flutes, and chants of Native Americans. From the first few frames I was shocked. I was not expecting for the photographs to look that good. I kept going and I was on an adrenaline rush. Images were flowing one after the other. When I was finished, I looked at all the files and was blown away. Did I really just do this? Is this really me? 

That moment will forever be known as my Rebirth Shoot. I emerged out of the darkness, out of the ashes and found the light. Since then, I never looked back and that fire I had inside to be creative was blazing again. I can't thank God enough for that shoot and for helping me to recover from the darkness.  I learned that if you find yourself backed into a corner, if you look hard and long enough you will find that light of support from God and family.